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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 10/21/2010 Posts: 69 Location: North Devon
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Here I am again moaning. I feel like I have failed. I went to the doctors last weeks because I can't stop crying.. well I can but someone only has to say a certain word or something and I am off. Or I think about something and I start. The other day I came across a photo of my old doggie who I lost last december a year ago, and that set me off... so the doctor put me on Fluextine to "lighten my mood" again which I was on earlier in the year because of all the pain I was having and not sleeping and having to go out to work on the farm it was all getting me down. I read about all you brave people on here and feel I have failed. I am say here crying just typing this and wishing the world would swallow me up... I have been on Methotrexate now for nearly three weeks and apart from upsetting my tummy for about a day I seem to be ok and to be honest I felt a bit better in my hands and knees this morning when I got dressed. But here I am I should be over at the chicken house and I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  I could do with a kick up the bum. Can you get this on the national health? Sorry to moan... hope you have a good day, the sun is shining so I am going to get out there and try me best. xxx Good advice is best followed by the art of listening
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 9/5/2010 Posts: 364 Location: mid glamorgan
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HI Julie
So sorry your feeling so low but I know how you feel as im exactly the same! Went to see my gp on Friday and she was so lovely and understanding and has given me sertraline.. Never taken anti depressants before and I feel like a failure! Life changes so much with this horrible illness I really hope the fluoxetine help you and its good that youre tolerating the methotrexate, enjoy the sun today take care luv Ceri xx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 838 Location: Nottinghamshire
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Hello Julie Don't worry about coming on here moaning, thats what we are here for. I once called myself Moaning Minnie!!!! It still is early days for you and your are still in the process of adjusting yourself to the 'new you'. I read on here a long time ago that being diagnosed with RA it's like having to deal with a bereavement. You have lost the former you. No wonder we do get tearful at times when you think about it like that. We know that MTX is a chemo drug. I read the other day on another forum that someone said that chemo drugs are given that name because it alters the chemistry of our blood. Hence why we have to have all these blood test done on a regular basis. That got me thinking, they test the important things that could lead us to having problems with organs etc. but could it also affect our hormones and that in turn could make us feel weepy? Thats a question I think for the consultant or specialist nurse. I started taking MTX last June and I sometimes feel very down and tearful too. I do know that SLZ can make you feel down. Please don't feel that you have failed.............you haven't, it really is early days for you. Many people have posted on here when they first got diagnosed,, I've read so many post of new members not coping etc, then they disappear and I always think that its because the drugs have started to work and their lives have returned to normal. Hope you managed to get in the Chicken House, I've got visions of you in my head running around chasing the chickens saying 'Here, chick chick.'  Love Paula x
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 5/19/2010
Posts: 384
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Oh Julie,
This is the only place that many of us can come to have a moan and talk to people who understand what we are going through, we need to support each other.
What Paula said is so right and I think it is many of us to a tee, that having RA is like a bereavement, you have lost the former you, and that in itself is so hard to come to terms with.
At the moment I'm in the same boat as you, but maybe tomorrow we will feel better, its one day at a time.
Have a bloody good cry if you need to and then go see them chickens, but take it easy,
Anne x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 714
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Julie
You are in the right place to tell us how you feel. We have all been there and we all cry at some point as this awful disease throws us another curved ball.
I totally agree with everyone that it is like a bereavement. Unfortunately your life will never be the same again but you have to find a different path and you will get back to a better life.
I was diagnosed two years ago and have still not accepted the diagnosis. I keep thinking "I wonder if they got it wrong". But I know eventually I will have to accept it and that it is my defence mechanism kicking in.
It is early days on the Methotrexate. Mine took a good 10 weeks to kick in and although I am not completely pain free, I do feel better than those dark early days.
It must be tough being your own boss and having to go out to work on days that you are felling rough. All I can suggest is that you rest as much as possible in between working to conserve your energy. Also keep your pain medication up to the maximum each day and do not let it drop off. If you keep a constant supply in your system you will be able to control the pain more effectively.
None of the people on this site, including you, are failures.
I hope that you start to feel a little better soon and keep talking to us as this will definitely help.
Take care
Jackie
xx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 11/20/2010 Posts: 244 Location: Cornwall
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Oh, Julie, I'm feeling for you. We're having our annual business planning meeting this afternoon (grand title for the 2 of us sat with a pot of tea!) and I'm thinking 'what business?' There's no sick pay, gradual return to work or anything when you're self employed is there? Even though those can be trickier to deal with, with some employers so it seems. And we feel for our poor husbands having to carry the extra work and feeling bad that we're not contributing enough. Its really frustrating and I've been very upset about it as well and you're always in good company here.
I'm 9 weeks in to the MTX and can't say its working yet but I'm sure in 3 weeks time that little miracle will happen. I have got a bit less weepy over the last couple of weeks and feel more in control, although I'm probably not really but I feel like it! I tried making some soap this week which was interesting and if I can't get past 2 batches a day then that's what it will have to be, getting a bit nearer to the old acceptance I hope. There seems to be a cycle to this lark which comes to us all at different times and with different intensity but its the old denial, anger, depression, grieving and finally acceptance thing which is so difficult to understand when you're in the middle of it. I try to celebrate what I can do rather then dwell on what I can't. I celebrated digging up 6 parsnips yesterday! Easy to say, not so easy to do I know, hang on in there for that little miracle Julie, it will come!
Sara
x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009 Posts: 1,524 Location: W. Yorkshire
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Julie I think we can all empathise with you. It can be such a downer when you know there are things to do and we just don't feel like doing them. I know there are a lot of people with RA who have huge obstacles to overcome and when i first said I feel ashamed of myelf for moaning I was told "Everything is relative and RA impacts on our lives in different ways". No matter what the level of pain and fatigue we all feel it and it affects us. It sounds like your gp is heading in the right direction and that you need a little boost in this period of your life-there are many of on here who take antidepressants and i say not? If it helps-go for it. YES I'VE CHANGED, PAIN DOES THAT TO PEOPLE.
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 838 Location: Nottinghamshire
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Just want to say about being self employed and sick pay.
About 12 years ago my husband was off work and I didn't think that he could claim sick pay being self employed. When I finally got to speak to someone was told he could.........and he did.
I myself up until last year was self employed, being a partner in our business. I never enquired about sick pay when I was first diagnosed with RA, but I did ring up the helpline about a year ago to see if I was entitled to it. I was asked for my NI number, I gave it and was told that I could. I really could kick myself now because I should of enquired about it when I was bad. I was asked by my consultant if I went to work at the time and I just said No.
Paula
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 10/21/2010 Posts: 69 Location: North Devon
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Hi everyone Thank you all for your kind thoughts and sound advice, I knew you would make me feel better. The sun has helped too. It's just I hate the thought of having tablets to make me feel cheerful after being a normally bright spark (well I thought so anyway!)  It's right it is like a bereavement, the old me has gone and I will have to get used to what I can do and make the best of it. It's just we had so many plans to finish our life together, we only met 10 years ago and my partner is the man I should have met years ago. We missed having a family together and the farm and running a small farm shop was going to be our "baby" but I don't know whether it will ever happen it depends on how I get on now. So yes there is a great sense of loss, and of course the unknown. I made it to the chicken house and work went well, better than yesterday which is why I probably dreaded going over this morning, always something breaking down or going wonky, but all was well and the chicks have been paddling in the puddles and sunning themselves in the sun under their verandah. Thank you everyone  Julie x Good advice is best followed by the art of listening
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 3/8/2010 Posts: 914
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HI Julie, I've just come on now and read your post, you are not a moaning Minnie, nor is it a crime to be on anti depressants. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain and it needs fixed.  You would get a break fixed if you had one, well this is just the same. You have just been told you have a life changing condition, you're not ecstatic about it, plus you didn't ask for it in the first place. It does take time to come to terms with. I too went through some dark days in the beginning, but I am a positive person and I never let it beat me. You are braver than I was coming on here as soon as you were diagnosed. I was too scared to, I wanted to find out for myself how it was going to affect me. I didn't want to know how bad things would get before my head had got used to things. Hence it took me three years to come on here. There is no reason why you wont have your little shop or a life you had hoped for. At the moment life has handed you a blow, deal with it and push toward beating it. You will get there just give it time, Call Nras and ask for my phone number and call me for a chat if you want. I will let them know you may call them. I really do everything I did before only with a little more care, once you get sorted out with the drugs you will be on your way too. Be strong you will beat this, and look back and see how far you have come. Take care Lorna x 
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Rank: Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 1/4/2011 Posts: 14 Location: London
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Hi Julie, Please do not think that you life is over. It isn't! I know that the initial stage is horrible, and there will be times that it is hard. My specialist promised me (when I went in and cried about that my life was over) that he would get me to the point where I can do everything that I want to - and he did. There is no reason that RA should defeat you, it can make you stronger, and realise the positive things you have in your life. As someone who, even at 21, has taken fluxotine, dont feel like a cheat! It was the best thing that I ever did, and although I was on them for a year - as a psychology graduate - I can tell you that they only balance a few chemicals out, and help retrain the way you think. They are only temporary to help you through a tough time. Please try and not feel too down, now I sit here typing it is easy for me to say, but I still remember crying as I could sit up in bed, my mum dressing me and thinking I would end up with nothing in my life. Nowadays I work full time, barely have a flair up, part of an acting group, go cycling, go out clubbing (5 and a half inch heels probably don't help though!) and generally enjoy my life, without thinking about my RA. So please remember, you will get there, it just may take a bit of time. Hope that helps. Francesca x Francesca x
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009
Posts: 336
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Hello Julie, I was sorry to read your post. All the advice offered was spot on of course and it's good that you could come on the forum and find that we all know what you are going through so that hopefully you don't feel so alone. I do hope that you begin to feel more benefit and if you do continue to feel so low go and see your GP and talk about it. I know that you feel that you should struggle on but you can get help so take it. Keep posting though and get it off your chest. Love Glenys.
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 10/21/2010 Posts: 69 Location: North Devon
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Hello it's me again.. Oh my gosh girls. I feel overwhelmed... With your help I know I shall make it through to the other end, there is the other end, I know.... I have just been watching a little blue tit clinging on to the nuts for dear life as it is soooo windy here at the moment, and felt well if he can do it... and all your stories and your support... it's terrific I shall not feel alone. Thank you so much. I shall go and talk to me girlies this morning and tell them how brilliant you all are. Thank you x I have my first blood test today and another flu (seasonal) jab. Thanks for all the offers of support I shall know where to come on my darkest days and hopefully too will be able to help someone else along the way at some time Good advice is best followed by the art of listening
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 5/19/2010
Posts: 384
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Hello Julie,
You sound so much brighter, definately helps when you get support on here.
Anne x
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 3/8/2010 Posts: 914
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HI julie, How are you feeling now, has the snow gone in your part of the world ? We have green grass, the first time since November. It was very windy yesterday, but today was lovely and sunny. A nice change. I hope this finds you cheerful and at ease with pain. Thinking about you. Take care Lorna x
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